


Hidden Desires

by WhenTheWarIsOver



Category: League of Legends RPF
Genre: Admiration From Afar, Angst, Boys In Love, Cheating, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Flashbacks, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Loneliness, M/M, Miscommunication, New Team, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-30
Updated: 2017-06-30
Packaged: 2018-11-12 19:09:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11168232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhenTheWarIsOver/pseuds/WhenTheWarIsOver
Summary: Josh has went through this process a seemingly countless number of times now: Join a new team, move into the house, build tentative friendships with his teammates, ruin those friendships and ruin his future on the team with them. But as he accustoms to living at the CLG house he realizes there are two special things about CLG. The first is Trevor, the second is Darshan and Trevor's chemistry.Multiple perspectives, mainly the Dardick himself. Pretty smutty as we move onwards.





	Hidden Desires

**MAY 14th 2017**

Josh steps out of the car, slamming his door shut behind him. He feels the familiar Californian sun beating on his back as he grabs his luggage from the trunk and takes his first glance at his new home, which is modest compared to the lavish settings that Liquid and Immortals had laid out for him. He'll be here for  _atleast_ one week, he bitterly laughs to himself, mentally trying to shake off his seemingly countless team transfers over the past year.

" _You were too good for the others" "These are the people that want you" "Just keep your fucking mouth under control and you won't be kicked" "Just try, try to actually be reformed."_ These were the thoughts that had been swirling in his mind ever since he had learned about his transfer. He had been furious when he learned about the trade, not because CLG was a sub-par team, but because the move felt like a betrayal from the people who he thought were his friends. Who the fuck did they think they were, kicking him and the posting a video pretty much shittalking him? He had carried that team 1v9 in half of their games and it wasn't his fault that they had the worst mid NA, a washed up toplaner who didn't know English and a botlane that honestly was  _trying_ to feed constantly. 

He grimaces, mostly at himself for thinking about his stint with Immortals. He's with CLG now, and that's all that matters. He loosens his grip around his luggage and feels the marks his fingernails had left in his hand. His knuckles are white and his head is buzzing, despite his efforts to kick his anger.

_Get ahold of yourself, you're just restarting, again._

He starts up the long driveway and attempts to distract himself by thinking about the playstyle of CLG, and how he's going to mesh with the team. Darshan and Huhi weren't the strongest laners, but he knew their playstyle wasn't incredibly passive and that he could definitely find a pattern that worked with them. The thing he was most excited about, however, was working with this botlane. Arguably the best in NA, Stixxay and Aphro were known for the aggressive laninig phase and being able to threaten not just their lane, but the entire bottom half of the map. He thought about the AD carry, who he knew only as an acquaintance and opponent. His team fighting abilities, how easy he was to peel for, how much he had occupied his thoughts over the past year and a half, especially in these past few days after learning he would be playing alongside him, _living with him_.

Josh purses his lips, trying to stop the flood of thoughts of his new teammate from rushing through his head.

 _You can't think like this. If you're thinking about him, your game will be off. If any of them find out, everyone in the world will find out. Doesn't matter how good you played or how much shit you talked, you're legacy will be the fact you fantasized over a teammate. You can't afford to fuck this up._  

He walks up the stone steps, a nervous buzz still present within him. He rings the doorbell and immediately a dog starts to bark within the house, which is quickly silenced. The door swings open and Josh is greeted with the grinning face of CLG's coach Tony "Zikzlol" Gray.  _His_ new coach. The coach, who Josh has only seen before onstage in a formal suit is dressed in normal Californian attire, a t-shirt and shorts. "Hey man! Right on time, come on in!" Tony says as he opens the door fully and reaches a hand out to take one of Josh's bags. It's only then that Josh gets a look at the lazily assembled greeting party of CLG. 

Huhi stands straight ahead, leaning against a doorway that Josh assumes leads into the gaming room. The dog he heard barking earlier is now sitting quietly at the midlaner's feet, looking eager to greet the new guest. The soft-spoken midlaner gives a small wave and a nod of his head at the newcomer. Meanwhile, Aphro and Darshan are at the top of the stairwell, both looking cheerful in their different ways; Aphro's being exuberant and bubbly while Darshan's friendliness appears polite and restrained, but genuinely kind. 

Josh doesn't see the team's AD carry within the greeting party and is immediately filled with disappointment,immediately followed by outrage at himself for being so disappointed. 

 _He's probably just in the middle of a SoloQ game, you ape. Stop thinking about him, he's nothing but a teammate, who just happens to be cute._ _This is just another reset, nothing's different about this time and don't act like anything is._

"Damn Tony, didn't realize we were letting hardstuck Diamond 5 players just join the team now." is the comment that breaks him from his trance, as Trevor enters in from the gaming room, the remark cold and the ADC's handsome face looking downright mean, "Whats wrong kid? You look like you're about to piss yourself"

 _Speak of the devil_  

Josh is taken aback by the comment, but as Trevor leans back he can see the amusement in the slight smile that dances along his face, sees it in his eyes, his eyebrows slightly raised as if he's trying not to laugh at his own comments. He feels a twinge in his stomach but immediately represses it, and without missing a beat fires back with "I have every right to be nervous considering I haven't had to play on a team where it was a constant 4v6 all the time." Trevor's eyebrows raise a touch higher and he chuckles before muttering "Yeah, except those times when you left Immortals to deal with it last split." Josh openly laughs at that, acknowledging the fact that Trevor has definitely bested him. It's only after he stops the laughter that he realizes how  _comfortable_ he is now. It confuses him, because usually when he's roasted like this he feels pissed-off afterwards, but the way Trevor did it, as one big, obvious joke makes him feel at home in the CLG house. "Josh? I'll show you your new room" says Zikz. As he climbs the stairs, Josh realizes that CLG is exactly what he perceived them to be, but he knows that Trevor is going to make his life a challenge over the next few months.  _You can't think that way_ he thinks as he is shown a spacious, empty room that he will call his own.  _You can't hide your feelings, and if you fuck this up there's no chance of fixing it, not in this community._   _Just forget about it_

 

* * *

 

**May 30th 2017**

The first few weeks have went better than anyone expected. CLG, and Josh in particular are destroying top tier teams in scrims. Josh's aggressive style of jungling is consistently matched and reinforced by the equally aggressive botlane in Zaq and Trevor. He's fit in exactly as he wanted to, known off the rift as funny, outrageously outspoken on most topics, and someone who could verbally annihilate you if given the slightest chance. But most times, when he's not talking about how boosted IMT's botlane is or how Kha'Zix is a trash tier champion he never wants to see again, he keeps to himself. 

 _Let them think I'm antisocial or some starved SoloQ madman, it's better than the alternative_ he thought to himself after he got a puzzled, sad look from Zaq after turning down the chance to see a movie, the third time that just this week he had decided to stay away from hanging out with his teammates in their offtime. But he was struggling to stop his feelings from controlling him.

His laugh, his smile, the pats on the back or hug after a good scrim; they were innocent things Josh had seen dozens of teammates do dozens of times before on dozens of teams, but the simplest things that Trevor did drove him crazy, and the fact that Trevor shamelessly walked around the often humid house without a shirt was not helping Josh keep his mind off of the AD carry.

And there was something else.

It was a theory that in one moment he was convinced was insane but in another he was totally convinced that he had read it right.

That theory was that Trevor and Darshan were  _something_. He didn't know whether that meant dating, fucking or even just a thing but that they were  _something._

Josh was a firm believer that some gay people just didn't have a gaydar, and he believed he was one of those people. That alone he thought should make me realize how crazy this notion is. But was it entirely crazy to believe that Darshan and Trevor had something happening? 

Part of him knew it was crazy, both had never dropped hints of being anything other than straight as an arrow and even if they weren't straight they wouldn't risk something like that in a work environment, he was sure of it.

But he had become suspicious of the looks that lingered a second too long, the smiles at one another for no reason, the way they played with each other's hair and how whenever the team went anywhere the two would be seated side by side.

Josh sometimes realized how crazy his theory was when he tried to tie the fact that one night they had both started SoloQ games when the rest of the team had went to bed to the theory. He thought about the girls he had seen with Trevor on social media, and the girls that Darshan would reply to on Twitter. The fact he was coming up with an insane reason he couldn't be with Trevor either than the fact Trevor was 100% straight was ludicrous.

 _They're probably just really close friends_.  _Your making up more crazy reasons on why you can't have him, you're just avoiding the real reason: Because he will never like you that way, never love you that way._

He shook his head, trying to forget the terms he had just used about his teammate. This season was already going well and the split was starting soon. He didn't need distractions, he needed to focus on the game. He queued up for another SoloQ game, determined to keep improving. But even as he played in the empty, quiet house, thoughts of the AD carry still danced around in his head.

 

* * *

 

When he first learned of the trade to CLG, Josh had immediately messaged his best and arguably only friend in the scene, Sam "Lourlo" Jackson. He and Sam had hit it off during their time on Liquid Academy and have been friends since. Sam was the only person besides his family to know about his secret and Josh trusted him more than anyone else.

Sam was undoubtedly straight, but never skipped an opportunity to pick Josh's mind over the guys entering Challenger Series, over in Europe or really in any visual medium he could find. So once the congratulatory talk and Sam comforting him about another blown opportunity, Josh wasn't surprised to feel his phone vibrate and to see " _CLG players ranked in terms of looks, imo they are a pretty handsome bunch_." appear on his lock screen.

" _Me, Stixxay, Darshan. Huhi, Aphro. But it's damn close._  " he had replied.

" _Dardick always stroking his own ego. but Stixxay over Darshan? interesting_ " popped up a few minutes later.

Josh had smirked at Sam's quip about his ego. It was a well known fact Darshan was good looking, but for some reason he didn't feel a genuine beforehand attraction to him and that had continued throughout his stay at the CLG house. Darshan rarely trash talked, was genuinely kind and always trying to find a way to make life better for his teammates, both in and out of game. The only flaw Josh had found was Darshan's incessant singing, which, sure he had talent in, but was constant and something that would often tilt him more if he had been tilted. Darshan was definitely a great guy, but Josh wanted someone with some fire, who was filling to flame and cause trouble alongside him. And he thought Trevor would be the same.

* * *

**June 2nd, 2017**

The excited energy in the air as the 5 teammates and coach entered the van around noon this Friday was palpable, as was the tension. The excitement of starting a new split blossomed, but the remnants of the reverse sweep at the hands of FlyQuest sprouted alongside it. The team was going into a tough first match against Spring Split runners up, Cloud 9.

Josh's sighed nervously as he settled into the backseat, fingers nervously drumming on his thigh, his heart pounding as hard as it ever did for any important match.  _This_ is when he had to prove himself, to prove to CLG the trade was worth it, to prove to Immortals that they had passed on something good, to prove to the community he was still a force to be reckoned with, and above all: to prove to himself that this time was going to be different than the last.

He turned away from the window he had been looking out of, watching downtown LA fly by, and looked straight ahead. As per usual, Darshan and Trevor were seated right next to each other in the front row of seats. Despite the stress he was feeling, he smirked and raised an eyebrow to himself, but also felt a feeling in his gut. He hated that feeling, that feeling that he couldn't explain, a feeling that was a concoction of jealousy, spite and desire. He got mad at himself whenever he felt that way, and ever since he had started thinking something could be happening between the two he had been feeling it much too often.

_Just stop thinking about it. Don't be stupid, don't mess this up. Just text Sam about it later and then you'll realize how dumb it is._

He exhaled deeply and returned to looking out the window, heart still racing, but only thinking of the task in hand.

* * *

 

"But actually, did Jensen have PTSD to not being able to ult? Because you legitimately destroyed that kid Jae." Josh laughs, high-fiving the midlaner before they climb back into the van after a team dinner after their 2-1 series win over Cloud 9. "I didn't know that trading Jake put us into a 4v6 situation, but thanks for showing me Dardick." Trevor fires back as they get seated. Josh sees Zaq and Darshan glance at one another, hints of amusement playing over their faces. "Fuck you, if you had any other support besides Zaq you wouldn't even be Challenger Series level" Josh retorts. Zaq and Darshan laugh out at that, while Jae smiles and even from the backseat Josh can tell Tony sitting shotgun is trying not to laugh as he tells the boys to settle down.

Josh knows he didn't play  _excellent_ but he also knows that it wasn't a terrible premiere and the team itself still had looked fantastic. Trash-talking aside, he could see why Zaq and Trevor could be contesting for the best botlane in the West, and even Darshan and Jae, who he had thought to be sub-par solo laners, had performed excellently. He definitely felt at home.

The mood was still happy, but tired as the team started to doze off, tired and happy after their first successful game. Josh could hear that Jae had already fallen asleep and knew he was close to doing the same. As he watched, he saw Trevor let out a big yawn and stretch out his arms as far as possible in the confined space of the van and rest his head on Darshan's shoulder.

Again Josh felt that sharp pang in his stomach, his face flushing with anger at Darshan, quickly followed by anger at himself.

_Stop it_

Darshan whispered something in the AD carry's ear and Trevor sighed happily, almost mewed, in agreement. Josh saw Darshan do a quick scan of his teammates before he rested his head on top of Trevor's and sighed with contempt.

Josh looked away, not wanting to fuel the jealousy that was bubbling within him. He saw Zaq, seated at the other end of the back row, watching the pair, a happy, almost proud smile being caught on his face by the passing streetlights. The support must've felt Josh's eyes on him and turned, making eye contact with Josh for a split second, then immediately turning to look out the window. 

_What?_

Josh knew what he had seen in the support player's face in that instant he had realized Josh was not asleep and had seen the scene in front of them take place. Zaq's expression had turned to fear.

_A fear of what? Why do I care so much? But why does he care so much?_

Josh tried to fall asleep in the back of the van, but found it impossible as the furious hammer of thoughts pounded away in his head. He had so many questions, but he was realizing that he could no longer sit around and wait for answers, or else he would go crazy. Hell, he might even start hating Darshan simply out of spite for a theory that was unproven and almost certainly untrue. He needed to ask Zaq what that look was about, and he wasn't about to lose a night of sleep over it.

Part of him wanted to wait until at least the first week of matches was over, was telling him that this would only burn bridges and speed up the process of getting kicked. But another part needed answers, and needed them now. Josh opened his eyes and looked straight ahead, where Trevor and Darshan were happily nuzzled and sleeping together.

He needed answers before he started to fall hopelessly further for Trevor.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> First work literally ever. I hope you enjoy(ed) it and please please give me any feedback, looking to improve!!! Thanks a ton!!


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